I hate you

Right now I'm going through a torture you wouldn't understand. Yes, I'm me but I'm not alone. I'm angry at God because I can't figure out why this is happening to me. I can usually figure out the lesson but I can't now. I'm being protected at the moment so I don't kill myself. Do I want to? No. Does the freak (demon) beside me want to? Yes. It's times like these I wish I didn't give my life to God. It's too hard and too painful (I know I'll regret saying this later on). How do I feel at the moment? I want to die, I hate myself, I wanna cause trouble, I also want to rip it to shreds but can't since I'm dealing with something dark and supernatural. This is hell. I'm pissed off and freaked out. God won't do anything about it. I prayed, yes. This demon wants me to tell you all that God isn't real or compassionate but that's not true. I was chosen for some plan and I do NOT want to be the next emily rose. I'd rather die. Sorry God, but this is too much to handle.