What I Hate

About certain "celebrities" I've come across. The humble ones are the best. The ones who know how to speak, who can be hilarious without mentioning sex, drugs or hos. Yeah, I'm talking about comedians. I won't out him let's just say *meow*

The longer you're online reading about your rumors, the more pissed off you will get. For example, Marshall (eminem) only uses his when he has news about an album or whatnot. He won't touch a computer for anything other than that.

He doesn't watch me either I doubt he's even reading this now *cough*. Here's a story from my perspective.

I met you at Carnegie Hall, ran into you in NY. You were so kind and I saw a bit myself (still do) there when it came to "weakness". You were always kind but then what happened? After swearing to being retired (yall know now don't you? lol) You have to keep running your mouth about "haters" on the internet of all places...EVERYBODY is going to have a few haters in their lifetime but it's how you deal with it that matters.

Bragging about "loyal" fans *huh?*, your popularity, sex sex sex.....you're a fool. I went from fan, to caring, to standing up for you and the ******** (why am I doing that, yall know by now!) now I'm disgusted.

Part 2 of this night

I refuse to blame Christ for what is happening. I blame satan and myself. When you get weak, you get blinded by darkness. Thank you Lord for Tyler Perry, Tamela, for showing me.



I don't give up that easy....
"devil you wanna win, devil you can't win.."

The Real Me *triggers* Forgive me *don't read if you trigger*

God sees it, always has. Nobody's alone, it just feels that way when no one admits their sings/wrongs.
Me? I was a cutter at 16 but went years without it. Someone broke my heart so badly that I slipped up six times. That was my fault, I forgot to give it to God. I'm ok, He saved me, reminded me then gave me overwhelming peace. I fell for satan's trick again...but the Lord caught me. <3
I don't understand how someone could not have God. I'd be so angry, stressed, dead all the time. I can't even imagine how I would live. No one there to save me from myself. No one that compassionate, how do you go on living? No, no one makes us praise God or honor Him. We want to. I know it's hard to understand for a non believer but we WANT to and get so much peace and love in return.



"we cannot separate, for you're part of me"

Transition Period (Before and After)

I went to my sister's private college because she said I should come and listen to this speaker. My friend was going to and I was going through hell. I had been locked up for a few days, beat up, abused, etc...I went "why not? I'm at rock bottom. I have nothing to lose".

As he was speaking, I felt like he was speaking to me so I started talking to my friend to try and shake it off. That didn't help.
He said "If anyone is in trouble or wants to give their burdons to the Lord, walk up here and let Him take it." Some more stuff. My sister nudged me and I said "ok fine but {friend} is coming too then." So she did. The minute the deacon put his hand on my shoulder I fell to my knees crying. I've never cried so much in my life. Not sad crying but like every negative feeling was being drained from me. He was praying and God heard him.

God finally got my attention there. I stood up and everything was different. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I felt so much peace and I wanted to keep on living again. I wish I remembered that speakers name (I know he's well known) but I can't. That night though, God really used him and I have a better life now. God uses me and walks with me. I never get in trouble anymore and I hate vulgarity.

Let Him in.

That should have been me...

The thing about Brittany Murphey's passing that really got me was the fact that that very night, I was getting into "trouble". I swear that should have and could have been me.
Wake up call..

Jesus Christ, the devil will not win

I love you Christ is speaking to me now. I don't deserve it but He carried me. I got so depressed I took too much Benadryl. You let it happen I think it was for a lesson? I'm sorry I didn't lean on you. I tried everything in this ugly world. You know the world is so ugly it blinds us. I'm not ashamed to say I love you, to say you're my father, to say well...yeah. I wouldn't be alive without you.
To those reading this: I say I'm crazy but that's just jokes. I'm serious right now. God will talk to you if you open that "channel", listen in a peaceful place. He wants you to talk to Him. He is compassionate beyond understanding. If I were Him, I'd get rid of me ASAP lol.

Forgive me











We Live by Superchick

Blessing

Thanks to them I'm Here



He saved me and doesn't even know it. My old youth teacher, (I'll keep it anonymous I have so much respect for him and his family plus you never know lol), made such a huge impact on me it still moves me today. I want to be like him. So this post is probably gonna end up emotional lol. I came to that private school a wreck. I remember there were only maybe 40 kids in my freshmen class. It was a private Christian school and one of the best things that has happened to me. During my year there, I made friends (family), learned how to be strong, learned that it's ok to cry, and that it's ok to let someone take care of you when you're at your worst. I was going through so much. Different kinds of abuse but I hid it the best I could. this one man, did not buy it. He and his wife would take me out for mexican food or pizza when I didn't have much or I was have a horrible time.
I never asked them to do that. He made youth group so much fun. I always looked forward to it. This was years ago and I can still picture it. I went into that school a mess and left wiser, stronger and more humble. I love you guys.

SAG awards and Golden Globes

Up for a lot! Of course! When I was standing with my bf (for support lol we've both been there before) these older (1000 yr old) ladies were standing in front of us. Boy, did they piiiiiiisssssss me off. They were seeing The Blind Side (ALSO AMAZING, HUMBLING, BEAUTIFUL MOVIE, I RECOMMEND IT). They turned to us and went "What are you seeing?" I said "Precious! What about you?" Ok, she looked at me like I was satan. Then turned to her other friend and went "even Oprah said that movie was depressing...." ummm..ok you guys reading this know what's true. Don't speak for Oprah, lady.
There are three ways you can view this movie. You went through it and are grateful, you learn from it or you can get all scared and not understand.

Jesus Christ

JESUS LIVES! PRAISE GOD! he saved me!

Evil Psychiatry

Well, it's always been evil. This one has never happened to me.Read my "death" blog first. That was hell from missing one dose. Now, I'm waiting on a phone call from Dr. Death to refill what I'm running out of. He can say "yes" he can say "no". Called his "Christian" office (he's the kind that makes us look bad when really, we and God are compassionate and not insane) about 5 times.
Being ripped off of what I'm on is horribly dangerous and he knows that. I'm seeing a trusted psych to take me off of all of them in January. He better say "yes". If he doesn't, he's more disgusting than anything I've ever seen. There's a 50/50 chance of living through that.

"Do or die, you'll never take me because the world will never take my heart. I'm won't explain or say I'm sorry. I'm not ashamed, I'm gonna show my scars. Give a cheer for all the broken, listen here because it's who we are."

I looked Death in the eye. Now I'm on sedatives

So yesterday was very busy. Every morning I have to take Clonazapam, Buspar and another anti anxiety that changed capsules so... o_O.
I have sleep paralysis RARELY but I had an episode. Once it was over I was so tired I had another severe episode (if you don't know these are terrifying). So I spent most of Sunday passed out.
Someone woke me up at 10 and I "OMG I need to get ready!!" I was stopped and told that it was 10PM not AM when I saw how dark it was outside I went into shock. I went on to speak (pubic speaking) which was dumb. I tapped my friend (who also speaks) on the shoulder and said "please help me" I felt horrible. I was later admitted. They were afraid I might have brain damaged so I was admitted. I don't remember much but it felt like someone hit me in the face with a brick. I had forgotten to take my medication that morning. THAT WAS WHY ALL THIS CRAP WAS GOING ON! I've never had so much anxiety.
Being on painkillers and some other crap can make you run your mouth lol. Apparently I said a lot.
I'm fine, no "brain damage" doctors can be so dumb. God makes that decision not you. I made it through. I may be shaken up but I made it through.

I would like to do more public speaking around different places. I basically tell my story. I think it's sad that "criminals" have to do it for punishment. I hate that. You should be humbled that you might have touched someone.

MY FACEBOOK EMAIL IS WRONG. IF YOU NEED ME IT'S CHRISTYKFOX@GMAIL.COM

Before it gets out

I'm over medicated. Since the age of 12, psychiatry has abused me and used me as a guinea pig. At age 16 I found the most amazing psychiatrist, MD. He wants what's best for me. A month ago, I decided I wanted off of these meds that are getting in my way and it's been approved. It should take a year or so but I'm ready. I fired my old psychiatrist (freaky dude) and went back to the one I trust.
It won't be easy, it'll be painful (I've gone through two so far) but I have a wonderful team of doctors and friends. Statistics say I have a chance of "death" but I say I'll get through it and with God and my faith, I'm not afraid.
I have a lot of goals even though my number one goal is to work for Tyler Perry. He is amazing, talented, courageous and brave.
So bring it.

Tyler

Pray for Tyler Perry. He lost his mother today.

"I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine


Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
When I find myself
Standing in the Sun

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine"

Q&A

Comments tell me what you want to know, what you want me to address, what you've been through (if you want to share). Comments are way appreciated and humbling.

Defying Inequality

I see a lot of people complain about their situations. I am in no way bragging (why would I??) or complaining. Just hoping it wasn't in vain and someone can learn from them. Unless God tells me I have the following, I don't but here are my diagnonsenses and injuries God got me through *still does*:

-depression
-anxiety disorder
-social phobia (in elementary school)
-hospital ward abuse/neglect (no clue why I was thrown in there)
-abuse at home
-anemia
-fractured my ankle after "Chicago". Usher was playing and singing (amazingly) the part of the lawyer. I went outside right when he did and his fans were screaming and had to be held back by gates. A girl asked me if I would get Usher to sign her poster, I said "of course" before I could give it to him, a crazy fangirl stepped on my ankle (I was in heels).
-watching a man on a motorcycle crash and being the only one to help. call 911 and check for a pulse while he was bleeding up and down.
-psychiatric abuse
-toxicity
-getting my horse while my friends horse reared up and beat the crap out of me
-cutting, addiction
-watching my friend die of coke overdose
-seeing _______ lie lie lie and give up (gotta let him go)
-seeing my mom after ECT (took her "life")
-heart palpitations

moreeeeee........

anyway, I'm strong. I feel the most sorry for the people that don't have God in their lives (Christ). I made it through all of that. Could you?

Some Other things I wanted to Mention

My family is on both lists why? They judge every single person they see. Race (ok....I'm mixed so that's a wtf), tattoos, piercings, you name it. It makes me sad.

I would also like to say that just because someone has a pretty name in front of their business, does not mean they are smart or good at what they do. I believe in and love the Lord but I don't believe in man. About 98% of someone's private Christian college are completely clueless to the point that it's sad. they treat people like they're better than you. Note this is not God, it's man.
I was seeing a Christian psychiatrist who got on my nerves so much I fired him. That was his choice to act a fool.

About my father:

He grew up in a poor background, went to Vietnam, then started his own business. When it started out, he was doing 23 hour shifts.That messed him up pretty bad. I remember being in the kitchen with my sister (she was about 10 at the time) and he passed out. She panicked so bad that she asked me "what's the number for 911???" lol. He woke up. He was very violent and angry. This lasted several years until he found God and was saved. Let me just say, he changed so much, he was a different person. A better person. I thank God to this day that he changed. His business took off and all is well with that.

About my church:

I don't like (my) church. We had an old pastor who was just so cold. I just sat there. Sometimes I fell asleep. We had all these rules. No dancing, no shouting. I wasn't feeling it. My friend took me to his church and it was fun! Yeah, not used to that. People were dancing, singing and praising the Lord. I thought "man, was I missing out".

Someone asked me this: Modeling

I was in my NYC getting ready for a shoot. I had my photographers number and he had mine. My plane was late and I was just checking in when he called. He goes "you better get out here before times square goes ******* *****!" ok...first it's always nuts, second, you do NOT talk to me in that tone. I dunno what else he said cuz I hung up on him. The shoot never happened...I moved on

Youtube?

yeah but right now it's KattPack dedicated!

http://www.youtube.com/user/MissChristyVera

Why I'm angry

I cannot put into words how disgusted and disappointed in the other Jackson brothers (and of course joe). The angel passed away and you still use him for your money hungry asses. I couldn't stand Joe until now. Maybe he'll make you look even more foolish than you already do (if that's possible). Tito I am disappointed!!!!!

Crash and burn already.

I'm ok

You can look at this in many different ways kind of like Precious. P.S. father's are not the only ones who can hurt. mothers can too. So can any family, any person.

Step Up Dumb neighbors

hip hop is my passion. I was dancing and one of my bff's of 10 years and I were goofing off. I haven't seen him in a year but our bond never breaks. I said "bring it" and he danced like nobody's business! I love it!!

Dumb neighbors...I typed this on my old account but watch who you're around. I went outside to get my cat and everything went foggy. I woke up on the porch bleeding with my friends yelling. I was in shock. Some moron shot at me and grazed my leg. Luckily all I needed was sutchers but.....wow. It was some punk I've never seen before. The most memorable part? While someone was putting pressure on my leg I heard "Oh ****...that's not him..." WTF??? Looking back it makes me laugh but that was so stupid. I'm a small girl with medium to long hair. No dude.
A week before, there were police, firetrucks and ambulances at my neighbors house.I'm not sure what happened just that some guy was strapped to a stretcher.
Another neighbor breeds pit bulls (called a million numbers to stop it but y'all suck, no lie...)

Chantell I'm coming!!! lol. Chantell is someone I deeply admire. She was in Tyler Perry's plays and 2010 should be a better year lol this is her:



the one Madea popped over the head lol.

If you read my blogs let me know. leave a comment or something. I write my experience for yall to read and most to learn from. :)

I've got a Right to Dream

It Never Ends

My mom overreacts and doesn't know how to handle things. She sees the best psychologist around here but doesn't tell him everything, I can tell. I'm in so much pain I'm exhausted, I just wanted to sleep. She came banging on my door asking for the hammer (or should I say yelling) to put up the Christmas wreath. I put it back, I didn't have it and told her that. I said "just leave me alone, let me rest and I'll look for it". She started screaming at me.
She went through ECT when I was a kid and I think it screwed up her thinking for life. I couldn't find it, said that and she just got louder "YES YOU DO!!". Good Lord.
I can be in NY or states away and be followed or picked on.
I have one bit of hope to hold on to that came from Tyler Perry's story. Like, maybe it'll get better one day.
If you have family that loves you and treats you well, don't take that for granted. You're blessed.

I thought I'd Never Make it Through

Tonight was a hard night. Full of pain, anxiety and fear. Yeah, there was a reason but I'll leave that for later. Let me tell ya, people ask me, "if you go through all this pain why do you still believe in God?" Well, that's easy. I don't want to get rid of the one that can fix me/heal me. The journey through hell would be 100 times worse.
Just ask the man who walked through hell, kept going and came out stronger. The man who teaches me to appreciate everything and humbles me without even knowing it.
So go to www.tylerperry.com go to the message boards and show this man love!
It's almost 5AM and I wasn't sure I'd make it. Just had to "Step Aside" ;) and let God take care of it. Did he? Yeah. I'm here.

"I crashed down, I tumbled, but I did not crumble. I got through all the pain. I didn't know my own strength" - Whitney

Inspired by Tyler Perry to open up

Growing up I had social anxiety disorder (hard to believe right?) I was abused by a number of people from ages 2-18 and I'll leave it there for now. From emotional to psychological and physical. Well, a family member would throw garbage cases at me and throw me on my bed by my wrists. Sometimes several times at once. If I didn't feel well (from stress or pain) and didn't go to school, I would get beat. Several times my mom would save me by holding him back. She'd say "run!" I would. Run for my life. Our nanny is now dead and that's what happens when you burn people (sorry karma got in the way). I don't remember the rest.

I saw my first psychiatrist at 12. I don't remember much from then. I remember my next one at 16. He tried to get me off
of the drugs the first fake psychiatrist put me on. I was overmedicated. This meant: adding drugs to take away the pain
of withdrawal while coming off a drug, having to cope with withdrawals on my own. Withdrawals are painful and sickening
side effects are unreal. I was in bed for a while. We couldn't figure out what to do when I kept getting ill. I was
talking to God so I decided to let him take over. My psychiatrist would put me on more. I remember being in my doctors
office and seeing a prozac rep sitting across from me (anti depressant pushers or Eli Lilly employees who only care
about money). I was sitting face to face with a murderer. She was wearing prada shoes and nice clothes. I wanted to slit
her throat but of course, that can send you to jail. You know, where she should be. So I just stared at her, as evil
as I could look. She had free samples of prozac, tissue boxes with Zoloft written all over them and pens promoting Paxil.
I stared her down. She looked up a couple of times and I could tell I was making her feel uneasy which was my goal. When
she dropped off her "poison" and walked to the door she looked at me. I stared at her and just "smiled". The guy next to me
in the lobby laughed at her. I could tell he was being entertained. That's cool.

I could tell my psychiatrist only wanted money. So at 16, I made his life a living hell. I would threaten him. I
remember asking him which car was his. He said "I'm not telling you that. I can't and I know what your intentions are."
I laughed. He was like my toy for maybe a month or two. When I saw that I had put him through hell and he still chose
to see me he began earning my respect. Especially when he lectured me about disrespecting him. I thought 'wow, he stands
to up for himself. He is human' I began to open up. I trusted him.

I also had a cutting problem at this time. A girl at my school taught me about it. She had been doing it so I tried. It
distracted me from mental pain, from school, from everything. It got out of control though. I accidentally cut too deep
once and freaked out. I ran to mom and she called my psychiatrist. I described it and he told me what to do and he
said I should be ok but he'd look at it next appointment. Good thing he's M.D. certafied too. I cleaned it, bandanged it
and went to sleep. The next day I logged on to my livejournal. I got a disturbing message from a friend. She said:
"I thought you would want to know this because it's not right. You need to tell your parents..." she gave me a link.
I clicked on it and my sister's livejournal page came up. She had written a page about me telling her friends what I did
and calling me crazy or insane. I read it all and broke down crying. I had a panic attack because everyone at school had
seen it. Dad came home and I ran to him crying and showed him the page. He yelled at my sister and made her take it down.
That was nice but you can't erase what people already know. I got a lot of shit at school about it.

One of my withdrawals was so bad, I was encouraged to take Benadryl to help with the side effects. It was Effexor and
I thought I was dying. So many things were happening to me, so many side effects that were terrifying. I was blessed
with family and friends encouraging me to be positive and bringing me movies and whatnot. When it was over I was so
happy I cried. I wanted to remember it, that I got through it. I called *Ryan and told him I made it. I first met him
when I was 17. He was a piercer and a training tattoo artist at the time. I love that place, I've always loved it
and the location downtown. The houses are beautiful, it's so much more artistic. I loved walking through the park
and museums. I told Ryan I was coming over with my mom because it was so important to me. I'm so comfortable there
because everyone is like an artist and I can tell them anything and they'd understand.

The shop had been redone and when I walked in I just went "wow, you guys did an amazing job". There were blue lights,
amazing art work and they even made jewelery and t shirts. Even the jewelery case looked awesome. I noticed everything.
The colors in the rooms. I always loved how each artist's room matches their personality. I told Ryan after all I've
been through, I wanted "Hope" tattooed on my wrist, right above the star he did a few months back. The star was my first
tattoo and I loved it. I let him pick the cursive font and we went back. My mom too, of course. People have called me
hardcore but it sounded cooler when he did. We were talking as I was getting the tattoo. My mom went "doesn't that hurt?"
I laughed and went "nah". I have a high pain tolerance. I loved it (still do) got a lot of compliments on it (still do).

I read Criss Angel's book Mindfreak: Secret Revelations. He wrote "I chose Believe because Believe is such a strong word."
then "When the mind, body, and spirit work together I believe anything is possible". Believe just kept popping up in my
life. If you believe hard enough, it will happen. Lie is in Believe. Stuff like that. That's tattood on my shoulder. I
believe tattoos show who you are and/or what you've been through. I think they're beautiful and kind of tell a story.

I was (am) depended on dyphenhydramine. It started out as Benadryl my psychiatrist recommended for sleep. For some reason,
my brain didn't take it that way it became an addiction. I began buying Benadryl, then I saw how much money I was
spending to get my fix so I started buying store brand because it was much cheaper. It numbed me
from the pain I was feeling before. Before I could cope with the pain, now I've forgotten how. Antihistamines made me
feel good and happy for about half an hour. I know half an hour isn't much to users but to me it was all I needed. all
the pain i felt from the world and all the pressure I got from my family or from me beating myself up, would go away.
It was like getting a break from it. I didn't have to try and be someone, I could think clearer and my writing improved.
I could multi task while using. The high was so relieving I wouldn't even care about the crashing. The illness, dehydration,
temporary amnesia seemed like nothing. Sometimes it would get so bad I would cry and say that I would never take it again.
The next day, I would forget and think 'it won't be so bad this time'.

I began taking a few, then I'd be immune to that amount and have to increase it until it worked. When Heath Ledger died
from overdose I had only been taking a couple. I didn't think that could happen to me. Months later, it grew worse. I
thought "I might end up like him." When I saw DJ AM overdose, I thought the same thing. When I saw Michael overdose,
I accepted death. I was so traumatized I just thought 'screw it, whatever happens happens". I don't want to die but at
the same time I was aware at what I was facing. This Is It really screwed me over. I got mom tickets because I wanted
to make it up to her. I said I'd go with her and at the time I meant it. It was ok, I got over it. Then, while watching
TV the trailer came on. I fell to the floor sobbing I felt so guilty. I contacted a friend and she said "your health
comes first." No, I didn't believe that. When it comes to loved ones, when I make a promise I intend to keep it no
matter what. I was thinking what I could do to get through it. I thought "I'll just drug myself and won't even see it"
I've only been drugged in public once or twice and it was horrible. I knew this wouldn't be pleasant but I'd do it if
necessary. I'd do anything for mom and anything for Michael. Anything.

I had a few scares. I would get sick, stomach pains, nights where I was so dehydrated I drank six bottles of water. I
would pass out, see things and hear things that weren't there. A few people knew about this. I asked my psychiatrist
for help, I poured my heart out to him and he said he couldn't help me because I was seeing another psychiatrist. He
said I was his patient now. I hated the other psychiatrist and I was so disappointed and upset since he didn't even try
to help me, I cried for a week. I told my new psychiartist also. He said "uhh...try to wean yourself off". The next
week, he didn't even remember what I told him or went through. I asked mom to tell her psychiatrist. He's the best
there is so I had hope he'd know something. He said the same thing "wean off of it". No one knows how hard that is. It's
called an addiction for a reason. I told dad but he just yelled at me about his problems. I felt horrible. I ran to my
room and took five pills to calm myself down.

I began overdosing, not to kill myself but to make myself very sick or induce a coma. That way, maybe someone would take
me seriously. God knows, of course. I prayed lots of times for help but nothing came. I didn't tell anyone else, I shut
up fast because I was afraid I'd be sent back to that abusive prison. I let myself go. I'm not even sure how many
cavities I have because I don't want to be lectured by the dentist. I had goals and dreams but I pushed them aside
because I didn't think I'd live to 25. The drugs began using me. I saw how many rehabs Nic Sheff was in, how he was well
then crashed. That scared me (the rehab part) so I pretended I was ok.

I watched House tonight. I was drawn to Chase. He was so depressed. You could see the sadness in his eyes and his
behavior. He went to church to confess that he killed a man and the preist said "Ten Hail Marys can't get you out of this.
You need to face it. You need to confess." I know it's the same for me. It's the only way I can be free of all this
weight crushing me. I'm not sure I'm ready. So far, no one has been supportive or wanted to help me. I'm not even sure
if I'm ready. I can't tell my parents because they'd freak out and blame me for stressing them out. I can only tell God
I have no one else. Sometimes, I think it would be easier to just not wake up. Then I think about Marigold and mom.
I can't leave them. It may not be coke, heroin, speed, or demoral but it can slowly kill me.

I broke down "Morphine" to my level of understanding.

I hate careless doctors because this is what they say to you:
"Trust in me, Just in me, Put all your trust in me."
Relax, This won't hurt you. Before I put it in, close your eyes and count to ten. Don't cry I won't convert you.
There's no need to dismay, Close your eyes and drift away."

Demerol, Demerol, Oh God he's taking Demerol.

"He's tried Hard to convince her To be over what he had. Today he wants it twice as bad. Don't cry I won't resent you.
Yesterday you had his trust, today he's taking twice as much."

My secret:
No one knows what happens behind closed doors. You could be yelled at, lectured, fighting, lying, hurting. When you
come back, it seems like everything's ok. You hide that secret so no one would be upset. You've been brainwashed. I've
been brain washed. All I am is a guinea pig doing drug trials. More than anything I want my life back but I don't
remember what that's like. Did I have a life before?
I fought this back because I was taught pills were the answer. If I asked for it, I got it. Isn't your psychiatrist
supposed to help you? He's caused so much anxiety and stress that all psychiatrists scare me to the point of illness.
The night before I have to see one, I drug myself. I can't handle the panic. My heart feels weak and I have collapsed
before.

He quit monitering me even though I'm on Lithium which is dangerous. If not monitered enough Lithium can destroy someone's
liver. Lamyctal was given to me the first day I met the second psychiatrist. He didn't moniter me or check my health
first. A month later, I got the Lamyctal rash whitch can be fatal. No one ever took me seriously so all I could do was
pray and hope for the best. I should be dead by now but God wants me here, I guess. I hate explaining myself I hate
no one believing me, I hate having no support or encouragement, I hate not being normal, I hate psychiatrists because
they made me hate myself. Since he didn't believe me I had to stop the Lamyctal by myself. The next day the rash went
away and I told mom so I started tapering off of it. Now, I have trouble breathing deeply without coughing.
I've had enough.



2AM

I've started a movement. An American Anti psychiatry movement. We won't take this shit anymore. I'm not alone at all, so many people
suffer from psychiatric drugs. I'm loving the shorts people made as well as the Vlogs, and honesty. Obama hurry up and save
us! Parents are speaking out about their kids suicides due to psychiatric drugs backfiring. Ritalin is the number one
killer for kids. Eric and Dylan (Columbine) are not killers, he was a victim of psychiatric drugs.
Chances are, they were brainwashed. They had good grades, they were good kids up until the prescriptions.

I'm gonna answer some questions I've been avoiding for a reason:

Do you work for Michael Moore?
In a way. I promote him. Ever since he did "Sicko" I told him if he ever needed anything to contact me.

How do you know all of this?
I do research. What I've learned has led me to toxicology reports, people's stories and whatever God leads me to.

Do you know how many people Eric and Dylan killed?
Yes I do. I also know that the medications they were on, can backfire especially if they had a very careless psychiatrist.
Those type of drugs can brainwash a person and make them homicidal or violent.

Disturbing Facts: America is the only country this bad. America is the only country that cheats people out of health care
and insurance. Obama is working on that and I'm waiting. Psychiatrists and drug companies don't want you to know this.
They don't care about you. They care about money that's all. Tons of peope die every year from these. Others end up
with brain damage, seizures, withdrawal illness, the feeling of being poisoned.

what to say to your psychiatrist (Dr. Matthews had an "initiation" so he will too) Dr. Van Dyke is a "Christian"
psychiatrist. These apply to either or.


"The Truth, I do my research do you? Do you know you're hurting people while you make money?"

"I'm being stalked by idiot claiming to be a psychiatrist!!! He says his name is Dr. _____ ...oh wait...I am"

"I cannot say anything unless my lawyer is present" *silence*

"Did you know you have 666 on your forehead? OMG"

"If you believe in the teachings of the Bible and Christ why do you charge us $140?? Does Jesus charge?"

after the full session: "...................huh? oh..you were talking to me?"

"Did Jesus make Prozac?"

"I looked through the Bible and didn't see anything about Lithium. I even looked at Paul and JOb. No Lamyctal!"

"Smile..you're on candid camera" need a hidden camera for this...and a youtube channel

"Am I normal yet?"

"I had a guinea pig once. Have you ever had a guinea pig? Oh duh!! That would be me."

sad but true with mine: "you know wayyyyyyy to much about Michael Jackson's meds, Dr. Conrad" *walk out..or moonwalk out
or sing "Morphine" or "Beat It"* (my ringtone is set to "Beat It" call me!)

"Jesus take the wheeeeeeeel take it from his hands...."

"you sound gay...it's ok to come out of the closet ya know" *he does...*




I know this life is crazy and unpredictable. I also know that ever since the trauma in the ward, I'll never really be able to "grow up". I also know that I need to start where MJ left off. Show peace, faith and love. I can't do this if no one will trust me and give all of their fears and doubts to the Lord. I'm not afraid of God, I'm afraid of man. I'm emotionally and mentally abused. I'm pushed around and pressured. I can't do my job if this continues. Dr. Van Dyke doesn't let me talk, I feel stupid. I hate him.

When I was being cursed at and screamed at yesterday, when mom would not leave my room and stared me down. She was yelling "YOU'RE THE REASON I HAD HEART PALPITATIONS YOU WANNA DO THAT AGAIN??" I WAS SOBBING AND SAID "PLEASE STOP PLEASE!" SHE WENT ON "GET READY OR GO LIKE THAT AND GET IT IN THE DAMN CAR!!!" I SAID "PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE" SHE SLAMMED MY DOOR AND YELLED "NO!" SHE LOOKED LIKE SATAN. SHE WAS SATAN I KNEW HE WAS THERE. HE LOVED MY PAIN. HE ADDED FUEL TO THE FIRE. I SAID "PLEASE LET ME MAKE A PHONE CALL" SHE SCREAMED "I'M STAYING HERE UNTIL YOU GET IN THE DAMN CAR" I CALLED DAD SOBBING HE SAID HE WOULD TALK TO HER. SHE CAME BACK SCREAMING EVEN MORE. I WAS SO EXHAUSTED FROM FIGHTING I FELL ONTO MY BED. I FELT SO ALONE. I SWEAR I SAW SATAN IN HER EYES. I SAID "DIDN'T DAD TALK TO YOU" SHE SAID "YEAH, HE SAID YOU WERE TRYING TO GET OUT OF IT!!!" I WAS SO SICK I VOMITED. SHE STOOD THERE STARING ME DOWN. I BEGGED AND BEGGED FOR GOD TO JUST TAKE ME. I EVEN BEGGED FOR MICHAEL. I BEGGED TO ANYONE THAT HAS COME INTO MY LIFE. I GRABBED MY PHONE AGAIN AND DIALED 911. BEFORE THEY PICKED UP MY ANGEL CAME AND SAVED ME. During this, my first thought was "if I grab the closest object now, I can end this." I felt like a prisoner I Felt helpless and hopeless. I began crying out to God soo hard I think all of Heaven heard me. My angel came (I felt someone tap me) and said "it'll be ok, just stop fighting. They can't hurt you, they're foolish. God is disappointed in them". That's when I dropped everything. I got up off the floor and said "ok...." my stomach hurt from the panic attack. I was so tired.
I told Dr. Van Dyke that she's retarded from the ECT. I think he could tell something was wrong. I did pull a Michael Jackson and show up in sweat pants and a hoodie. I put my hair up really sloppy. My makeup was running I forgot to wipe it off. He said "everything ok?" I told him I was just sick. I should have told him the truth. But I was saving that for Dr. Bergwyn.

I'm very very blessed and thankful to God, and Christ for saving me. I had no one and they reminded me that I did. From what I've learned in my experiences is that if you pull something like this you will be punished. I've never gone that far so I don't know what God's plan is. When I gave in and didn't take my own life, God won and satan lost

Thank you "clay mates"

This makes me sad. Clayton has an amazing mother. I appreciate the support and love she has showed. It was small but meant a lot.

The "fans" ruined our friendship as well as others. He can't even come to our BBQ without tweens taking photos all day. They even did that during church. He got uncomfortable and left. We were catching up and we hugged and that's the last I've seen of him.

you "Clay Cults" need to calm down. He's a person. Before all of this, he was my friend. We played games in church and he pulled a few pranks on me. Like when the candle (surrounded by glass) on the pew fell down and hit me on the head. I ran outside (I mean RAN) and locked myself in my dad's car. I heard a knock, looked and it was Clayton saying "open the door! Come on.." I remember his face, trying not to laugh lol.

When I was 11 years old, he decided to tell us a "ghost story". LOL I was 11 going "THATS NOT FUNNY!!" lol. He's a wonderful person but ever since Idol tabloids and scary fans won't shut up. Hollyweird got to him (check yourself!).

I remember just being in awe when he sang solos in church.

My point? I miss him, we miss him so "Clay" Cult, chill out. It's not fair to his family and friends. He is a person, not God.

Also, leave his brother alone. that's just stupid of you all. I wont name him, even though most know.....Clayton is (still I think dunno) loving and humble so if he were to see this he'd be like "chill Christian!!" Well, I have a temper....so....yeah

Everyday Create Your History

hey guys.
God has been hard at work working on me. Out bond is usually strengthened by sorrow and peace but this time, I'm feeling so many emotions. It's overwhelming!! Excitement, nervous, terrified all at once. Exhausting right?
There's a reason for it and if it follows through, I'll write it down asap.

I was listening to Lose Yourself earlier (I don't listen to too much Eminem because of his negativity but I like some things). I was inspired by the beginning:

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

and then

He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no
He won't have it , he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant that he knows


P.S. Eminem news: what do you think of this? X Factor judge?