Vernon

The Holy Funk LOL

Papa Roach - Broken Home

To: My family


It feels bad to be alone
Crying by yourself
Living in a broken home
How could I tell it
So all y'all could feel it
Depression strikes hard
Just like my old earth would tell it
To me, her son, she told me I'm the one
Pain bottled up about to blow like a gun
Stories that I tell are non-fiction
And you can take it back
Cause it's already done

So much going on....

Ever have a child come up to you and say something along the lines of "I admire you" then you think OMG I need to get my act together or why?? Yeah, that happened. That's powerful!

Ever have someone you loved and trusted your whole life betray you along with friends? I did. I will make an example out of this person since it's a touchy subject. They go to a private Christian college, practice everything Christ related so certain people begin to think they're perfect. Don't fall for it, only God is perfect.

Before I go on, I wanted to say this. I see people blaming Christ and Christians for this but it is, in no way, His fault. Humans make mistakes no matter what race, religion, gender etc...God is LOVE that's what He teaches but we do fall. I fall hard, but in a different way than this person/people. No matter what people do to you, God would never leave you.

It starts with one... (ADD kicked in and "In the End" is playing in my head now...). sorry, ONE misread email, message, however you do it. The person is sensitive and attacks back. God's still working on me so I attack back. Honestly, my anger comes from pain or attention seeking (I will admit that). This person decided to block me out of...everything. We were best friends basically before the marriage. Summer road trips, goofing off, having fun. If you're feeling me here, I'm with you.

I tend to do the "tough love" thing. If I see someone going for a dangerous but important life I tend to butt in and 'test' them. Then mess up and lose them...or they lose it, I'm not sure.

I realize that you say you have been thru a lot and been a lone alot- guess what- you are not the only one.

Then share your testimony! No one knows what I've been through but God. I'll let B speak here..He's better at those words lol:





Thank you to Bizzy much love and respect! <---has impacted me a lot <3
"they wouldn't listen if we did in Morse code..."

Who is Christy and Why?

Hey I'm Christy. My story goes deep and the pain I've felt from life is too. When I see kids go through what I went through, it's heartbreaking. I see yall on the streets, some secretly wanting someone to talk to, some wasted or just pissed off. That was me not long ago and still struggle with those things (won't go into detail yet, that would take forever) today.
I know that "fight or flight" panic and all the crazy that comes with it. Growing up, I was the "bad kid" or trouble. Years of abuse and negligence has made me grow stronger and more compassionate about speaking out. I've had people go "you're a girl, you look 16 what do you know?" yeah, I'm pretty small physically. Here are some facts:

-I was abused physically as a kid and teen
-abused mentally and verbally to this day
-I keep fighting
-I've been shot at
-I've been left for dead
-locked up and kicked down by my family who constantly judge everything
-ignorance pisses me off
-was an equestrian (top 10 in the state) for 10 years. Was abused there when my instructor thought that if she beat me/screamed at me she could control me and make money off of me. She lost. I saw one of my friends die, gave my horse to a friend and left.
-took up tae kwon do and kick boxing to release anger
-was used against my will when anti depressants started getting popular as a minor
-over medicated and became severely sick
-more I'm hesitant to put here lol

I've watched too many people die and NOT deserve any of it. I have a friend in prison for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He's 24 and may get the death penalty (praying that won't happen). I'm against that. God chooses who stays and who goes, not man.

I credit Christ for saving me many times. I know, some people think it's cliche or don't believe it but I do and if you knew me, you would to. All of this inspires me and makes me stronger.

@way2strong

Modern "We Are the World" FAIL: Who I think should GO

We Are the World FAIL: Some of yall do not fit in this song that Michael wrote....you butchered it:

Instead of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Cyndi Lauper and the late Michael Jackson (whose previously recorded voice, however, will be heard on the tune), the 2010 version will be headlined by Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne, Wyclef Jean, Josh Groban and Will.I.Am. It features a newly penned hip-hop break written by the Black Eyed Peas leader that makes reference to the January 12 earthquake in Haiti, the victims of which will benefit from the song's proceeds.

Among the rap artists making the cut for "We Are the World — 25 for Haiti" are T-Pain, Kanye West, Bizzy Bone (YES), Kid Cudi, LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, Drake (SAY WHAT?), Mann, Nipsey Hussle, Busta Rhymes and Swizz Beatz. (I'm only feelin Bizzy 100% here)

And though rumored participants such as Lady Gaga (WTF), Beyoncé (NO), Taylor Swift (NO), Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake (SORRY) were not in attendance, the sessions did feature a number of current stars such as Miley Cyrus (WTF), Keri Hilson (WTF NO) and Best New Artist Grammy winner Zac Brown (WHO?).

There were the requisite classic artists who pitched in, including Barbra Streisand (ON THE FENCE...); Carlos Santana (ON THE FENCE); Natalie Cole (ALRIGHT); BeBe Winans (THATS COOL); the members of Heart (OK); Freda Payne (OK); Harry Connick Jr. (WTFF NO); Earth, Wind & Fire (HMMM); the Beach Boys' Brian Wilson and Al Jardine (OK); Tony Bennett (WHY NOT); "Slumdog Millionaire" film score composer A.R. Rahman (DUNNO); "American Idol" judge Randy Jackson (HMM); Patti Austin; Celine Dion and Gladys Knight (YESS). A few actors were in the studio (Jeff Bridges and Vince Vaughn), as well as the offspring of co-producers Lionel Richie and Quincy Jones, Nicole Richie (HUH??) and "Parks and Recreation" star Rashida Jones (GOIN TOO FAR), and the members of 3T (the sons of Tito Jackson)(COOL), Taj, Taryll and TJ Jackson.

Joel and Benji Madden were on hand (NO), as were Akon (KNOW HIS STORY SO OK), Brandy (NO), Melanie Fiona, Mya (NO), Musiq Soulchild (UHH), Katharine McPhee (NO), Trey Songz (HMMM), Faith Evans (YEA), "Heroes" actor Jimmy Jean-Louis ("the Haitian") and former Michael Jackson guitarist Orianthi (OF COURSE).

Also pitching in according to a press statement from organizers were the members of Sugarland (WHAA?), Jennifer Hudson (UH UH), Jason Mraz (NO), India.Arie (OK), Mary Mary (COOL), Tyrese Gibson (UHHH), Raphael Saadiq, Pink (???), Jordin Sparks (WOW), Rob Thomas (JOKING??), Usher (YEA), the Fray's Isaac Slade (NO), child prodigy pianist Ethan Bortnick (YES), Enrique Iglesias (WHAAT), Robin Thicke (LAWD...), Jamie Foxx (NO), Maroon 5's Adam Levine (HELL NO), the Jonas Brothers (NO), Nicole Scherzinger (HELL NO) and Julianne Hough (NO).

Co-producer Richie said that Janet Jackson would be laying down her version of Michael Jackson's part on Tuesday (THANK GOD), and he hinted that some other artists might also be added over the next few days.

NEXT REMIX WILL INVOLVE RANDOM HOOKERS AND CRACKHEADS PICKED UP OFF THE STREETS. HOW WOULD I DO IT? BIZZY'S VOICE AND TALENT AND TESTIMONY IS POWERFUL. GIVE HIM A VERSE. TAKE MILEY OUT SHE'S YELLING AGAIN....THEN, HAVE JANET SING MOST OF IT. PUT IN GLADYS KNIGHT AND 3T. WHERE'S STEVIE WONDER BY THE WAY? HE SHOULD SING MORE. THERE, YOU DON'T NEED 81 PEOPLE TO MAKE A POWERFUL SONG (OR BUTCHER A CLASSIC).

Forever?

www.twitter.com/ChristyKFox

ChristyKFox go to www.rapbasement.com/eminem for a bit of a better version of Drop the World and Forever. Congrats to @eminem

Or watch here:




Fresh off his award wins, Eminem took to the stage with Lil Wayne to first perform "Drop the World," a song from Weezy's upcoming "Rebirth" album. Later, Young Money's new star (and Toronto's own) Drake, along with Travis Barker on drums, joined the two rappers on stage to perform their "Forever" hit. If it wasn't for the FCC bleeping every other word, it would have been a great ending to a show.

28 Signs of An Abuser

I'd also like to point out that woman can be abusers as well as men.

1. Unemployed or Underemployment. Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.

2. Emotional Dependency. Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.

3. High Investment in Marriage. Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.

4. Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.

5. Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.

6. Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.

7. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

8. Abusive Family of Origin. Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.

9. Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.

10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.

11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.

12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.

13. Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.

15. Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.

16. Rigid Gender Roles. Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.

17. Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

18. Disrespect for Women in General. Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.

19. Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

20. Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."

21. Reliance on Pornography. Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.

22. Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.

23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).

24. Past Violence. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).

25. Fascination with Weapons. Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.

26. Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."

27. Breaking or Striking Objects. Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."

28. Any Force During an Argument. Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.

I Hate Dr. Van Dyke

This moron......ok I have GAD (Anxiety Disorder). I was put on Clonazapam a couple of years ago by my previous psychiatrist. One mg didn't do anything so he allowed me to take an extra if I had an emergency attack. Dr. Douche Dyke (who I fired and went back to the previous Psych/MD I trust) thought it would be a good idea to cut it in half WITHOUT TELLING ME! I had to hear it from the confused pharmacist. "You didn't know?!?" No..I didn't.

Lesson: the label "Dr." doesn't mean shit. Careful who you trust. Sorry, I don't usually act like this but the anxiety came back. Yes, I am an open book who knows who could relate? Busted.

Our Ice Storm Photos

That car was replaced! woot

This is from last year but I thought some of the photos were beautiful. Other than the one not pictured >.< a tree went through our roof. I'll never forget that noise!

I Surrender

At 3:50 AM I selfishly took a risk. I could say "Why did I do that??" but that wouldn't make sense. I apologize to Christ and pray that you will forgive me. I do not know what I'm about to face I do not deserve your mercy and compassion after messing up over and over. It does not glorify you and it is disgusting. I am disgusting. You know I'm weak especially now. You know me better than anyone or anything so I will trust you to get me through this. The consequences and your "punishment/lesson".
A lot of people think God is "harsh" or mean but it's the opposite. The world is harsh, satan is harsh, God is not. This pain brings us closer together and as MercyMe would say:

"I can count a million times people asking me how I can praise you with all that I've gone through. The question just amazes me...Maybe since my life has changed long before these rainy days it's never crossed my mind to turn my back on you oh Lord, my only shelter from the storm. Instead, I draw closer through these times. So I pray:
Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings you glory. and I know they'll be days where this life brings me pain but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain. I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain. You who made a way for me....holy holy holy....is the Lord God Almighty!"

Do not intervene no matter what the situation. God is doing something even when I screw it up. I belong to Him not anyone else on this earth. Last time this happened, He saved me before it hit me. Now, it's my time to step aside.

You Are not A Fan/Supporter/whatever if...

First: I know this happened a while back but it was brought up again....




You're still fussing over Davey Havok's hair or ever DID. His hair wasn't his talent, I'm pretty sure his hair can't sing, I'm also pretty sure cutting his hair didn't kill anyone.
If you ever made an "Evolution of Davey's Hair" video and put it on youtube let me know and I'll let you borrow some of my anti psychotics.

I've seen soo many waste of time websites dedicated to his hair and fangirls crying "WHY DID YOU CUT IT???" Lord have mercy I wish I could pop you all upside the head with a pair of shears. AFI STILL ROCKS:

I can Do Bad

I've always wanted to work with Tyler Perry. Especially since I've been to the lowest places and would love to educate people and share my experiences. That was fail. I didn't choose my race but i did choose to be strong. I do fall sometimes but who doesn't? No matter what you're race, you're you and don't let anyone make you think you're crap over something that stupid. Just be you, do you're best and keep going. God's not through with me yet, either. Apparently....

Lithium Side Effects

I've been taking this for too long. I suffered toxicity at 17 because of it. Why did this come up? Well, to be honest I choked on my pill and trashed it. Not a first. You'd have to walk in my shoes to understand that.

Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Stop taking lithium and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

*

extreme thirst, urinating more or less than usual;
*

weakness, fever, feeling restless or confused, eye pain and vision problems;
*

restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck;
*

pain, cold feeling, or discoloration in your fingers or toes;
*

feeling light-headed, fainting, slow heart rate;
*

hallucinations, seizure (blackout or convulsions);
*

fever with muscle stiffness, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats; or
*

early signs of lithium toxicity, such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, drowsiness, muscle weakness, tremor, lack of coordination, blurred vision, or ringing in your ears.

Drug from Hell

From my Twitter: Dr. Van Dyke almost killed me putting me on Lamictal. I was finally off of it and two days later, out of nowhere, almost lost myself. Trying to find my cell phone...I know too many lawyers...it wouldn't be for me it would raise awareness

I just got back. I had temporary amnesia, dizziness, rage. I was crying my eyes out thinking I was going crazy. I can't really describe the feeling but I think this is was hell feels like. Pain, seizing, horrible fear, really bad eye sight, just praying it's over soon or....yeah.

At one point I passed out and went into sleep paralysis. Finally found out it was Lamictal withdrawal. I thought I had gotten over that but it seems it can take up to a few days for it to hit you. This doesn't happen to everyone and you can do it. I'm still waiting for someone to call me back and yes I can out this "psychiatrist". He hands out cards like crazy. He's well known. Douchebag. I was not warned of the withdrawal effects. Thank God I fired him after two sessions. I could tell something was up the minute he acted rude, 40 mins late, was inconsiderate, etc...

To the person who referred him: sweetie, you're crazier than I am.

Learn from my sneaky ass ex psych: try to grill them (it's your life don't be afraid to), do background checks, try to find other patients (or victims) of theirs, learn their from experiences.

At the moment I'm reading an "article" someone pointed out to me:

http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2007/12/20/lamictal-withdrawal-from-hell/

Listen to my hero. Hopefully you'll hear him and his message of hope and making a difference:

http://www.michaelcuccionefoundation.org/VideoViewer.php?file=Michael5Min.wmv

Big brother sees and hears all on the internet....

...and I'm not stupid. Ok, I just thought about that. Didn't Bush start that? Wow....slow. "The feds are watching you for safety reasons not to invade your privacy" I put those words in there (well, if this were last year) because he wouldn't understand big words.....ok

So update: I start weaning off this spring. I met with my psych/MD and we decided not to jump into it this winter (I have SAD...fun).
Why did I mention "big brother"? Well....I was/am sick and in pain. I slipped up dangerously but learned from it (don't get the popo on me...)

Going to sleep now since I feel SIIICKKK

Lata xoxo

Anti Depressants: Spread this

Anti depressants cause more death than do good. We need to spread the word. I've been overmedicated since the age of 12 and I'm finally beginning to wean off of these drugs that have been holding me back and making me sick. It will be hell but worth it. When it's over for me, it will never be over for others who suffer from these "side effects", being screwed over by Eli Lilly or any drug company, being mistreated by a psychiatrist or doctor, going through a malpractice lawsuit or have been abused. You will all be heard!

If you want to help, send me your stories, advice, experiences, anything. I will not make them public if you do not want to. If you're just talking to me or asking me about something I've been through. Know that you're not alone! I'm sick and tired of these people so it's time to take a stand against them. I'm not afraid of them anymore, I've been beat up for the past 10 years. I've learned as much as possible, educated myself (you should too!). I've been locked up, abused, toxic, sick, in pain, had day terrors, hallucenations, bad reactions, brain zaps, you name it I've probably been there.
I'll be spending most of this year coming off of these drugs. I've chosen a psychiatrist/MD I have known since I was 16. He knows me well and I trust him. I also lean on my faith. I'm blessed to know God because I know this won't be easy but it will be worth it.

I have a hero. I usually don't believe in "heros" but this man has been to hell and back. He was diagnosed with cancer at a young age. He went in fighting and came out fighting.He's my motivation. He once said "I never once blamed God because I know everything happens for a reason." I've never done that either it is society and the world screwing it all up, not God. He saves me. he makes it easy. "Do as much as you can because you never know when something could end your life..."
"Although i'm healthy now, I still have a bigger battle and that's to see that every person doesn't have to go through cancer alone."
That's how I am with what I'm going through. He said "you have to persevere" and I'm determined, driven and ready for it.